Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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