once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
