My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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