I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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