I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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