the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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