So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
