dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
