the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
