i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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