Acid is not a monday night drug
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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