aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
