He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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