Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
