Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
