hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
