just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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