Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
