I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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