I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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