I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
