chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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