made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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