Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I have already put on my inside pants.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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