I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
