hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
