Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
