Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
