I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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