Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
