my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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