i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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