i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
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I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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