I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
