I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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