I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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