That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
