Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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