soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
the day after is always just damage control
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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