just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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