Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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