I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
