I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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