somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
