if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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