I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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