sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
