I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
