I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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