the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
