I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
