i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
How external is "for external use only"?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
