Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
